DadQuest #2: Don't Laugh
How do parents not laugh at the stuff their kids do? How do I turn my experience as an uncle into being a good parent? How do I get my nephews to see me as something other than a gigantic punching bag
I’m writing this right after my wife and I spent a week of vacation with our 4 nephews, to whom I’m basically just a big punching bag. If they say wrestle, we wrestle, end of story. I’m exhausted, but as always, there’s something to learn from being around kids and more importantly, their awesome parents.
Don’t Laugh
I find kids freaking hilarious.
I’m always amazed at how parents are able to control their reactions to the funny shit their kids do and say. From talking to parent friends, I gather that most of this discipline isn’t really discipline, it’s more like exhaustion that lets them keep a poker face in situations like this. But either way, it’s impressive. I picture myself getting even more giggly when I’m in an exhausted and delirious state, not somehow gaining more self-control over my reactions. But only time will tell.
The other day is a great example. My wife and I were babysitting for our 6 year old nephew, and we were taking him to the pool. As I was standing shirtless on the porch putting on my sunscreen, my nephew walked up and asked “why is there so much hair on your chest?” "(I’m a hairy individual). I said something like “some people have hair on their chests when they grow up. You have hair on your head!” And then the game began. “You have hair on your arms!” “You have hair on your face!”
Then my nephew says, “Do you have hair on your PENIS!?!?!?!” shouting the last word. I think I responded well - I said “it’s not nice to ask about people’s privates.” He thought about that for a second, they said “OK… but do you?”
And that broke me. I laughed pretty hard. But that was, as I’d already guessed, the wrong reaction. The hair conversation continued until I figured out a way to change the subject.
So close to a mature and balanced reaction, and yet so far.
After the penis comment, I was able to find a way not to laugh. That method basically amounted to method acting, pretending I was some kind of combination of my sister in law and her husband, who I consider fantastic parents. I answered as I thought they would. And it worked fairly well, until I forgot.
I think a lot of these little moments where we have to make micro-decisions are driven by instincts. In my mind, that’s what I have to learn and develop to be a good parent. I want to move beyond emulating another parent and developing my own instinct that I can use to make good instinctive decisions - it’s those little micro decisions and reactions that add up to make me the parent I will be.
But is that really what happens? Is there any parent out there who knows instinctively what to do, or are we all just imitating someone they know who’s more experienced?
I suspect I can guess the answer. But I’d love to hear from other parents how you handle stuff like this - the little funny moments, and the struggle to figure out what you’re doing. Does the imposter syndrome ever go away? Or is this just one long exercise in figuring it the fuck out one step at a time?
What I’m reading
In the spirit of preparation, I’m reading a lot these days. In this section I’ll share the good and bad stuff I’ve found for your mockery and/or information. Can’t wait until this list is full of stuff like Cat in the Hat or whatever the kids are reading these days, but in the meantime it’ll be mostly stuff I hope will be useful to me as a new dad. Let me know what you think and what you’d add to the list!
You can find the complete list here
My sister in law said this was the only book she read before raising her first son, and it’s easy to see why. Emily Oster is a mom and economist who sorts through data to help you understand the decisions many parents struggle with. It leaves room for different decisions and tradeoffs for different parents, which is exactly how it should be. Highly recommended.
🤨 Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads
My opinion is this book is annoying as shit, but it’s not without value. The annoying parts: it’s full of dumb boomer sitcom dad advice and jokes, as if the authors pre-assume that you, as a Dad and a Man, are exclusively interested in Man stuff like tactical backpacks and army men cosplay or whatever. The valuable parts: there is some actual practical advice in there, although I’m sure it can be found other places easily enough.
A dad figuring it out, out loud. DadQuest is a fatherhood newsletter — irreverent but real, practical but intellectual. Reading is free; paid subscriptions fund charities for new families.
